The Place: Somewhere in England — Hogwash School for Whizzers of Mystery / Inside the Great Bingo Hall
The Time: The 1990s, night
Professor Artichoke Pretzel Watercress Broccoli Dumpling-Door
The aging hippie Director of Hogwash School for Whizzers of Mystery, whose only remaining mystery is where he'll be whizzing next. Owner of a lumbar support chair that everyone covets. He is too old for slapstick comedy, but he’s the owner of the Geezer Wand, the most powerful kitchen utensil ever created.
Professor Savory Scapegoat
Master of potent herbs & spices and the Half-Drunk Prince who still hasn't paid his Debt Eater membership dues. His loyalty is harder to find than a needle in a haystack, which Dauber is still literally searching for. Someone recently discovered he is the Half-Drunk Prince and he still hasn’t paid his membership dues to the Debt Eaters.
Delirious Drawbridge
The pink-clad “Saccharine Menace” who wants to force-feed students with Defense Against Salty Foods and replace Dumpling-Door as director. Sweet as artificial sweetener but twice as dangerous to your health. Expecting to replace Professor Dumpling-Door, Drawbridge wants to force-feed students with Defense Against the Salty Foods. One must always try pies!
Vulgar Pork (Tom Griddle)
Known as “He Who Mustn’t Be Eaten,” this grilled villain wants to use the Dark Recipe to make everything taste like chicken. His only fear is being open-flamed, having never recovered from the Great Tiki Torch Incident of ’88. He wants to change all flavors of food by stealing the Geezer Wand to prepare the Dark Recipe in the kitchen.
Bag-O-Trix UpStage
Recent escapee from the Prison of Acting-Ban, where she was locked up for overacting and using unforgivable curse words in front of children. Comes from a long line of UpStagers and knows how to make things explode and disappear.
Bingo Dauber the Kitchen Melf
A mysterious part-man, part-elf kitchen creature who longs to be a Free Space Melf and get a role in a show. Currently hiding in the kitchen next to the back door, armed with a frying pan and questionable hygiene habits. He wants nothing more than to be given a role in a show, so he can become a Free Space Melf!
Professor Dumpling-Door / Dauber: Dustin Heavilin
Professor Scapegoat: Sean Decker
Delirious Drawbridge: Micah Underwood
Vulgar Pork: Butch Maxwell
Bag-O-Trix UpStage: Renee Storm
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Last updated: August 21, 2025